Saturday, May 5, 2007

Put down that drink son.

The Hunchbacks, who are cleverer than you may expect from their appearance, have been waiting patiently - but it's finally here:

The War on Alcohol.
Fresh from victories in the War on Smoking the troops of the WHO and assorted Christians, scientists and other miserable bastards have lined up for their new battle.

Look through newspapers, read articles online - you see them? 'Alcohol shrinks your brain', 'Alcohol leads to domestic violence' and on and on. Every day there is a new anti-drinking article somewhere. Read the article above.
Who is this fucking collective of Scientists and agitators who think that life should be long and risk free? Get over your own fear of death and then you might live a little. Or, even better, stop being a scientist where you have to make shit up so you can justify your government funding.
Just for the record I LOVE DRINKING. And if that makes me an alcoholic in your narrow definitions then so be it. I'd rather stagger out of a pub after a great night out and be smashed by a truck than live to be 95 eating tofu and sipping green tea. Fuck you.

So - I can't smoke, I can't drink, I can't sit in the sun, I shouldn't eat junk food - or fatty food, should reduce my intake of sugar, shouldn't eat salt... How about I just tie my last non-biodegradable plastic bag around my head and suffocate myself.

From the article:
'risky consumption of alcohol among 18 to 24-year-old men jumped from 40 per cent of patients in 1999 to 49 per cent in 2006'

'Rates for 25 to 44- year-old men grew from 35 to 41 per cent and 22 to 25 per cent in women.'

'Older generations are also a growing concern, with risky drinking among 65 to 74-year-old women rising from 15 per cent in 1999 to more than 17 per cent in 2006 and from 12 to 14 per cent in over 75s.'

See how they throw statistics/numbers out there and you're supposed to go 'ooooohhhh, that'll be Doris up the street she likes her drink'. But what do the numbers say? (And remember these are people presenting at a Doctors surgery.)

1. Up to half of all young men like to go out and get excessively drunk from time to time.
2. As they get older they do it less.
3. 17% of elderly women drink a bit too much sometimes.

When will people realise that teenage/young men have a self destructive streak a mile wide that needs to be explored. Doesn't matter what you ban them from doing they'll find something else. Ban drinking - they'll find a different drug. Keep on banning every dangerous activity until you can write a report that '49% of 18-24yr old men skydived at least three times in the last year'. Then you can ban skydiving because it's dangerous too. Oh the joy of a society where 18yr olds sit happily playing scrabble - non-competitively of course.

Old women living on their own waiting to die like to have one too many sherries to help them sleep. Let's stop them doing that, that's just awful, they should be ashamed, burden on society, etc etc...

Why not emphasise that 83% of elderly women don't drink too much - which I think is the more stunning statistic. If it was me it'd be Gin for breakfast, Gin for tea, Gin in the bathtub, a Gin at three.

Can't we just be left alone to do whatever supposedly self-destructive activity we want to be doing. Can't we?

I suppose what I'm saying is 'Fuck off and leave me alone'.

Friday, May 4, 2007

link of the day

Choppers Health Retreat.
This is part of an advertising campaign but we'll let them off this once because it's quite funny.

Not as funny as the original.

And if you like this and aren't retarded you will find many more of the same down the right hand side of the page.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Stephen 'spaceman' Hawkins.

Oh dear Lord. Stephen Hawkins, who as far as I know can move one fucking eyelid, had a taste of weightlessness as his 65th birthday present. Did you see this? I'm a wondering what they'll do - surely they won't let him go still strapped to his chair? But then if he's not in his chair won't he flail around and injure people (when you sit at home hiding from the World you think of these things). And then I see it on TV - the cruel fucks tied his arms behind his back and pushed him around like schoolyard bullies. Did he enjoy it? How the fuck would I know? He seemed to drool a lot, is that a good sign?

Back on the ground he was asked how it went. I've no idea what he said because I don't speak robot. Apparently he said 'next stop space'. Wouldn't you be bummed if you were an astronaut on that flight? Fifteen years of training, this is your big moment, your finally going - and there you are on TV pushing a chairbound noddy up the ramp.

I suppose NASA will have to spend a $billion putting a disabled park onto the Space Station.

A doctor I know remarked the other day that Hawkins seems to breathe on his own and that if he truly had complete muscle wastage he should be on a ventilator. I asked him if he was saying that the Prof. was a fraud and he looked at me and smiled knowingly. Could it be true that Hawkins knows that everything he says is non-sensical so he pretends to be desperatley ill so no-one picks him up on it? 'Hawkins yer books are full of shit!' 'Boooo, don't be nasty to him he's in a chair...'

'We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.'
Stephen Hawking

Speak for yourself.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Drew Barrymore is the 'Most beautiful ex-pre-pubescent coke addict no-talent half-crazy plastic surgeried bitch in the universe'

NEW YORK Apr 25, 2007 (AP)— She was born with her acting family's classic beauty, but Drew Barrymore credits her fun-loving approach to life for her No. 1 spot on People magazine's annual "100 Most Beautiful People" list.
"I just think happiness is what makes you pretty. Period," she tells the magazine. "Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness."
Barrymore, 32, graces the cover of the issue that hits newsstands Friday. It's her fourth time on the list, but first as cover girl.
Making the cover "made my peacock feathers shine in the golden-hour light and extend to the heavens," says Barrymore.

IF 'Happiness is what makes you pretty?' then why aren't retards and crazy people more attractive? You dummy, pretty people are sour and aloof because they fucking can be! Who they needing to be nice to? I'm a hunchback, I know how much I have to smile everyday just to avoid getting my ass kicked. You know how many people ever said I was pretty? Yeah, fuck you.

Maybe you're happy because you get paid $15million for every piece of shit comedy/light romance movie you make. That'd sure put a glow on my face, a spring in my step, Hell I'd put a daisy chain on my hump and dance around naked shaking my peacock feathers in the golden...! Wtf? I suppose by the third decade of drug use you must see some pretty weird shit.

Don't get me wrong, in the right dim lighting I think you're quite cute - but the MOST BEAUTIFUL person in the World? Give me a fucking break.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Too Trendy For Me!

Is it just me, or is anyone else sick of these new wave scene/emo (yes im sick of that word too!!) kids who are too good, and just far too trendy, for everyone?!
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure lots of you are cool (and I've got some great friends who are) but fuck me there is a large number of them out there who are just too cool for fucking school aren't there?

I find it hilarious that these fashion victims claim that they praise originality and being yourself, bang on about how they 'hate clones' (go fuck yourself!!) and get the shits up if they see someone else wearing something like polka dots, because they wore it 'before it was popular' (get a fucking grip!). Don't be such a fucking hypocrite! If there is a social group with more of a UNIFORM than u lot, I don't know what it is!!!
Skinny black jeans: CHECK
Dyed black hair: CHECK
Something bright and child-like: CHECK
Polka-dots/stripes/stars/hearts etc (coz u liked them first *wank*): CHECK!

Yeah, you're right, your far too cool for me, practically un-fucking touchable hey?

I also hate that if you wear your hair a bit different, or wear black or anything that's ANYTHING like what they have, they naturally assume that you're trying to be like them. Get over yourselves please!

The pretentiousness that you kids harbor is draw-dropping!!!!

So please, stop flattering yourself and assuming that you're this big social rebel -but of course ure not, you're just being yourself right? Just like all your friends who look EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME as you - who is too good for everyone else, and GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF YOU PACK OF SELF-ADORING CUNTS!

Next fad please...